My Story
My name is Angela Tobler
I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints and I was married for 14 years with 4 children when I found out my now ex husband was having an affair. The betrayal did not start or end there. Once the affair came to light, little by little more secrets found their way to the surface. Things that were hidden and done throughout the marriage. Things like attending strip clubs, drinking alcohol and engaging in pornography and masterbation. I soon learned and discovered that my ex husband's affair was far bigger than simply “falling in love with someone else,” his affair was a product of sexual addiction. I didn’t know or understand that at first, but because I sought help and education, I learned that there is in fact a difference.
To have a sexual addiction does not necessarily mean that the sex addict just can't get enough sex, but simply their sexual desires, fantasies and urges cannot be controlled. My ex husband’s affair continued and he was not able to stop no matter how much damage it caused to not only me and our relationship, but his job and both his physical and mental health suffered as well. The affair continued another nine months after the initial exposure and it continued after he promised me he would make it right and do everything he could to fight for me and our family. It continued after I told him I would file for divorce unless he stopped. It continued after a three day intensive recovery retreat for couples that have faced infidelity. I wanted him to choose me and I felt like I did everything I could think of to try and save my marriage. I was desperately hoping that if my ex husband knew and understood the damage that he was causing, or if I gave him just a little more time, or if he could get the right counseling or join the right support group then we would survive this. I purposely did things that I knew would hurt me hoping it would save us somehow. Unfortunately none of that could save that marriage. My ex husband continued in his destructive addictive behavior and I finally reached a point that I could no longer ignore it.
After almost an entire year of hoping for a miracle, I stood in front of a judge and ended my 15 years of marriage with the person I always thought would be my eternal companion. I did not get a divorce because I wanted to hurt him. I did not get a divorce because I was angry and I definitely did not get a divorce because I wanted it. I got a divorce because I could not continue in the relationship the way it was, and he could not or was not willing to implement change in any of his behaviors in order to keep me from leaving. With the help from my Heavenly Father and my Savior Jesus Christ I was able to let go of something I never thought I would.
The year leading up to my divorce took what felt like everything from me. It took the last 15 years of my life, it took my marriage, my livelihood, my home, my stability, my ability to trust anything or anyone including myself, it took time away with my kids. It took my sanity, my joy, it took my self worth and it nearly took my faith too. At one point I had to wonder if God even existed at all. I felt I had been abandoned and was left completely on my own. I struggled to do anything, even getting out of bed was hard. I lost weight because I didn’t eat, I couldn’t sleep and I was not the mom I wanted to be. I struggled to know what was true, how to move forward or if I should move forward. That year caused me to question everything. I was terrified to get a divorce because, "what if it was the wrong choice?" What if my now ex husband finally steps into recovery and I watch him become the man I always wanted him to be, but I gave up and I left. I filed for divorce hoping it would be the wake up call my husband needed to end all the madness. Unfortunately that was not the result I got. Addiction was in control of my husband and I reached a point I had to let go.
The silver lining to losing everything is the ability to start over. I joined a 12 step recovery group for sexual addicted spouses, I read books, joined online courses and met with my therapist regularly. Through all these different avenues I began to learn who I was, but more importantly who I truly wanted to be. I learned how to respect and love myself, I learned how to let go of things that are hurting me and I learned how to make and hold boundaries. I found what is important to me and I work everyday to keep my life in alignment with that.
Not long after my divorce I met my husband Brian and were sealed in the Provo City Center Temple on Feb 22, 2022. I believe Brian was a gift from my Father in Heaven and that Brian and I have the ability to help and strengthen one another. Although becoming a step mom to 3 teenagers has had an entirely different set of growth opportunities, I am grateful everyday for where I am today and who I strive to be. Recovery is a process and a journey but I want to do all I can to find and help not only women but anyone trying to find healing and peace after betrayal or heartbreak. We all strive for happiness but I believe that peace is far better than happy. I can and I want to help everyone find it, but it will require courage. So stand tall and together we can find courage in betrayal.